Tuesday, April 24, 2007

How Going to Class Early Can Affect the Health of Your Butt

Andy and I had some time to kill before class yesterday. Like, a lot of time. Like, close to an hour. Somehow, randomly, we found ourselves just sitting outside the Dowd building discussing things like freestyle walking. Anyway, long story short, we discovered that, for some unknown reason, the Dowd building's facade is complete with bricks which are not flush with the wall, allowing one to potentially scale the side of the building, should he possess the desire or stupidity to attempt it.

I have one or the other. Probably the latter.

No, no... definitely the latter.

Anyway, I tackled the wall head-on and went up. It wasn't easy--the wall obviously is not meant to be climbed--but I managed to get a little ways off the ground. Below me, I heard Andy requesting my assistance. He was trying to recreate a chalk outline on the wall with his body. I was needed to judge, so I let my feet off, did a free-hang for a few seconds, and then let go.

I thought I was only a couple feet off the ground, so I was surprised to not feel my feet simply hitting the ground almost immediately. It was like that sensation you get when you're going down the stairs at night and you think you're at the last one, but (much to your surprise) your foot does not touch the floor. And then you stumble forward awkwardly, right? Imagine that, except you're probably six-to-eight feet off the ground, you're facing a brick wall, and there is concrete below you.

My feet struck the ground flat and my knees buckled. Out of control, I fell backward clumsily and my left buttock collided unceremoniously with the cement. Pens and pencils tumbled out of my shirt pocket, making me feel like even more of a nerd. I laughed (it was all I could do to save a slight bit of face, were anyone watching) and sprung back to my feet quickly. Pain coursed through my ass.

Sidenote: I'd rather not ever write, speak, or think that sentence again.

I gave up on my Human Fly act, and we went to class. Throughout the exam I was taking, I felt the pain everytime I shifted in my seat. The last thing I wanted to do at that point was sit still for two hours taking a grammar exam. At the one-hour mark, I got up and went to the bathroom, more to attempt to "walk it off" than to expel urine. I suffered through it, though, and aced that f'ing exam. No doubt about it. I'm a real trooper.

Anyway, when I got home I went into the bathroom and examined myself in my full-length mirror. Again, another sentence that should not be written, spoken, or thought of again. In any case, I discovered I had incurred purpleness on my behind. Purpleness! Today, the purpleness has subsided, but it's still sore.

My stupidity about wanting to climb the wall, though, has turned into desire. Or maybe it's just a greater degree of stupidity. Whatever it is, I know that I want to scale the side of that building before I graduate. Anyone have a safety net?


Steven said...

OUCH!! Speaking of asses, I had better get mine in gear for the trip to Cortland and AED663! See you then. Joe Fox is back on his blog again! Check it out!

Andy said...

Wow, Dave, I had no idea that "pain coursed through [your] ass" so severely. I also was not unaware that your butt's collision with the concrete was so "unceremonious," since I was still on the wall filling the chalk outlines with my body when you fell. This blog post clears up a lot of things for me now. Happy healing!

Andy said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention that since Dave was a bit above me on the wall, he did not get to see what a veritable perfect fit my body was for that chalk outline on the side of the building. I imagine it must have been a thing of beauty.

Joe Fox said...

"Thing of beauty" might be a stretch old buddy.

Joe Fox said...

Though I wasnt there myself, and really cant be sure.